If you have been in the quilt world for any amount of time and attended any quilt shows you know the biggest rule- other than bring an open credit card is that you cannot touch the quilts without permission. Each quilt is a work of art created and owned by the artist and unless it is sold to another the artist /owner has ultimate say in how it is treated and unless specifically stated you may not touch the quilts without express permission for that single time. This is the act of consent and broken down in this way it is pretty easy to understand and yet we live in a world where consent seems to be a mysterious and complex subject that baffles men both married and not, and even some women.
From the forced hugs and kisses of relatives when we were little to “handsey” boyfriends, bosses and even just rando strangers at the grocery store we become socially conditioned to tolerate when bad behavior is the norm. This conditioning even follows a great deal of women into relationships and even marriage where they are considered “open game” to be touched in a sexual way whenever the man desires.
The un-asked for ass-pat, the boob-honk, the middle of the night awakening to non-invited touch all the way up forced sexual interaction, all of these are considered part and parcel of being a woman and yet when we assigned less rights than a quilt at show how can we possibly think of believe ourselves as equal let alone stand up for ourselves?
And while consent often is talked about as part of sex it really reaches so much further than that.
A consideration of consent is –
- Asking before posting a photo of anyone other than yourself.
- Get permission before you share personal news, even that which you deem joyful.
- Find out if it is ok before you share someone’s art of any type, quilt, writing, pottery, or home renovation.
- Before touching anything someone owns and most especially if it is on their body.
- And always remember that past consent does not confer future consent unless expressly communicated and even then.. check back in on occasion.
Consent stays with the owner, and we as women are the owners of our bodies and touching us comes with consent in all circumstances. Consent is not something we wave by talking or smiling at someone nor by dating or marrying them and this seems to be a pretty radical concept for some men and one that even women have a hard time internalizing due to a lifetime of non-consensual touch being part of our growing up.
Our patriarchal/religiously indoctrinated society teaches men overtly and covertly that they have rights over women and that women should accept the attentions of men in all things. These teachings filter down to even men and women who think of themselves as progressive and must be really dug into to understand their implications. These are DIFFICULT conversations but ones we must have to make any stab at becoming a just society.
As progressive people who are works in progress ourselves we must do our best to model and well as support consent in all ways. From asking before we swoop in to tickle a toddler to how and when we hug a friend, partner or spouse. We must also speak up when our boundaries are crossed no matter if we are talking about our quilts being touched, our pregnant bellies patted or being touched in an uninvited sexual way by ANYONE. As I said these conversation about consent are not easy but they are doable and I have gathered a few resources to help.
Asking for consent – Planned Parenthood
Learning how to model consent with young children
Everyday Consent- a great printable
Ps… this is RSV season, babies, young children and even adults DIE from it…. Love those babies that are not yours with your eyes and not your hands. Learn more about RSV here
