Quilting Reality Shows
By Megan Dougherty
Quilting with the Stars
It’s season 25, and this year’s roster of B-, C-, and even D-list celebrities may be the best yet! Our seasoned sew-pros are teamed up with stars you know and love and struggle to remember, coming together to create weekly challenge quilts, most of which will be dedicated tearfully to a deceased parent or a newborn child. Or a cat. Our stars for this season include That Guy From That One Show, That Woman Who Was On A Late-Night Cable Show A Couple Years Ago, Some Singer Dude, A Middle-Aged Athlete Who Owes A Lot Of Money, A Man Or Woman With A Very Inspiring Story, and Tara Reid.
Kwilting With The Kardashians
The uber-famous Kardashian clan is back and matriarch Kris Jenner has her hands full this season, as all her offspring decide to become famous quilt designers. Even Kanye gets in on the action, producing a runway quilt show during New York Fashion week and insulting Anna Wintour with his choice of bindings. When Taylor Swift enters a quilt into QuiltCon, Kim retaliates by posting numerous nude selfies as well as a recording of a phone call in which Taylor asks Kanye if he thinks dating Tom Hiddleston is “wonky” enough to increase her chances of getting Best In Show.
Designer House
This is the story of seven quilt pattern designers, picked to live in the same house, and have their lives filmed, to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting really snippy about copyright.
Pimp My Machine
Each week, one deserving sewist is selected to have his or her sad, run-down hoopty of a sewing machine tricked out, blinged up, and customized within an inch of its life. Watch as machines held together with duct tape and prayers are transformed into fairy castles, robots, steampunk contraptions, and sergers.
Real Quilters of the Pacific Northwest
The glamorous women and men of the PNW are back for a new season of drama, fun, drinking, and extravagant shopping trips to Fabric Depot. These are the wives and husbands of organic food store tycoons, fair trade bean-to-bar chocolate magnates, and orgasmic hot yoga studio moguls—who all have nothing better to do than sleep with each other’s spouses, slap each other silly in locally-owned coffee bars, and take up an insanely expensive hobby.
America’s Next Top Quilter
Tyra Banks is back with 14 new quilters all hoping to make it to the finals and win a coveted contract with a top fabric company that pays absolutely nothing but is great exposure. This season, Tyra teaches the quilters all about “smovving”— a technique of smiling with only your wonky, free-form log cabin blocks—as well as “smaper smiecing,” “smurved smiecing,” “smappliqué,” and “smocking.”
Stashers
Professional therapists and quilters attempt to help people who compulsively buy fabric, using a combination of cognitive behavioral therapy and more creative hiding places.
Naked and Afraid of Y-Seams
Two complete strangers come together with nothing more than an old Singer treadle machine and some fabric and must complete an entire tumbling blocks quilt—while completely naked. Outfitted with only a Barb’s Quilting Hut tote bag, the contestants must acquire fabric, thread, and batting using only their survivalist skills and complete the quilt by the deadline. For season 5, producers have upped the stakes, and will now be tossing live spiders at the contestants just when they get to that part in the y-seam where you have to do the turn-and-flippy thing.
Megan Dougherty
